So what promted the beginning of this blog?
Frustration.
Simple as that.

Of course it started with tears, and then a bit of anger set in, and I started typing away.

Here is what happened.
I worked all day.  (I hate that part- more on that another day)  I came home and had some quick photoediting to do for a job that was due.  I had my daughter on my knee, as I split the screen.. one side youtube, sesame street clips, and the other side photoshop.
I got that job done, with little headache, stress or distraction.  I am much more aware of the little things, and am so thankful for the small things.  I take much less for granted.

Anyway, I expected my husband late.  He had something going on at work.  To my suprise, he was home on time.  EXCELLENT.  Now I could run into town, (I live in a small village, with a church and a corner store) and get what I had to get done quickly.  Our daughter could stay home with Daddy.  I was so happy, I offered to buy supper, take out!  Another treat when living in a rurual community.  So far, everything was fine.

I went to town.  I had an hour to burn.  So I went to Zellers.  Not my favorite store, but it was close.  I bought a couple toys for christmas.   A little tykes version of an etch-a-sketch, aren't they great!  Playdough.. Playdoh?  whatever, it doesn't matter.  And I then went over to the movies, and got a christmas musical barney for our little tot to hear some chrismtas music.  and then, I did something I almost never do.. I bought my husband a pair of jeans.

Why do I never do this.  Because he refuses to combine our bank accounts, and we have our own jobs and money.  He has much more than I do.  He makes much more than I do.  We have our "agreement" about who pays for what... (yes, I'll write more about that little drama too another day)  Anyway, the agreement, is almost 50-50, him making 3.5 times what I do.  I buy all the household things, I buy all the clothes for myself and daughter, all the books, toys, food, etc..... so I dont' give him my rare dollar for his denim.  But I was feeling generous, and though he could use a new pair, since all of his are getting pretty rough looking.

I came home, happy with my 2 hour outting, dinner in hand, shopping bags hanging from my arms, balancing the beverages, bringing in the mail, and balancing a bucket of water on my head.  Ok the last part isn't true.. but it felt like a really tough balancing act.. all while 6.5 months pregnant... and, most importantly, while my husband watched me from the window of our love nest  house.  Thanks hunny.,

I come inside, and tell him of my purchases.. apparently I didn't by the right etch-a-sketch, they have light up ones now.. and the pants are too long.. and he wanted to order something else, but couldn't get through because I left the phone in the car.  In other words.. there was no...
"WELCOME HOME!  .. did you get your tasks done?  Do you need a hand?  Thanks for buying supper!  Holy cow, a pair of jeans, for me?!? How thoughtful! "

I'm so glad I spent my money.

We ate.

I asked for help cleaning up.  He threw out the garbage from takeout.  Then sat down to watch tv.... ugh.  Then I asked for a bit more help, since I was obviously planning a bit more of a clean up.  He decides his help will be to take our daughter into the playroom downstairs.  I instantly felt like he is taking her away from me.  I had the movie on, enjoying christmas music.. excited to share it with her.  He turns it off and takes her away..... 
I wanted to spend time with her.  I LOVE HER!  I had other things to do, since no one else will do them, and hoped to do them both.. while she danced and we sang together.

but we didn't.
Then it was her bedtime.. and he took her up to bed, without bringing her to say goodnight to me.  This was huge, because he NEVER puts her to bed.  Was he trying to be helpful since he saw how upset I was, about pulling the plug on sing song christmas fun.... or was he being an ASS knowing that we have  a routine, and he just was determined to put a wrench in all of it!  I have never put her to bed, with him in the house, and never said,.. "Say goodnight to Daddy"

It's the thoughtlessness.  Its the lack of thought on his part, to consider my feelings.  His lack of trying to make things fun for Mommy regarding our daughter, like I try to make things fun for Daddy.  She doesn't say Mom much.  She says Daddy.  I believe it is because on a daily basis, she doesn't hear "say hi to mommy, give that to mommy, lets get mommy.". and the like from her father.  (like I do for him)

In the end, I was the one who she wanted to go to sleep.   And I got to kiss her, sing her song, tell her I love her, say a good night prayer, like we do everynight. 

Is this typical husband behaviour?  I dunno.  It sucks though.  I see other relationships thriving, and hear of the daily sweet things other husbands do for their wives, and I seriously feel like I am missing out.

I have said before, I'm done trying, and done expecting anything from him emotionally, but it is so hard to do when your in a relationship.  And everytime I hope or expect.. I get disapointed.

I realize this day was not a huge deal.  It isn't something that would normally bother me as a one tiime situation.. it is the daily run down.. the daily disapointments that add up, making each thing piled on top the pile of disapointment, have more weight.

First Post

Good Day, my fellow bloggers.

I read so many of your blogs. I laugh with you, I cry with you. I get angry when you do, I feel your pain, and your joy. But mostly, I envy you.

I envy those who can write like no one is reading. The freedom you have to say whatever the hell you want! I don't have that. My blog, the one I have been writing for just over a year, is a sugar coated tail of my daily life, the fun motherhood stories, and the hobbies and projects I take on. My family and friends all read my blog. They love being able to stay connected.

That blog, is missing a HUGE chunk of my thoughts, and feelings. In fact, I almost never write about my feelings.. unless of course they are happy ones. I wouldn't want anyone to know that I am not perfectly happy.

That is where this blog comes in.

I need to vent. I have no one to vent to.. so I am going to use you. You blog readers out there. I figure, if your not interested, you can just move on.. skim and skip posts as you wish. I won't have to edit, to make sure I don't reveal to much, or that grandma will know what I said about my mother.. husband, or friend.. Cause I will be this invisable person, sharing with you my truth. My happiness, along with my miserable-ness.

So who am I.

I am a mother of one beautiful daughter, she is 16 months, expecting another baby early next year.  I have a dog, she is 4 years old.  And I am married.  Happliy miserable since 2006.  I'll share that story another day.

I know your intuativeness has already picked up on the fact that I am not necessarily blissfully in love, gleefully married, and adore my loving husband.  I am married.  Sometimes I have good days.

Things were just ok, until we had our daughter.  Then the real morals and values, and expectations started peeping up.  We are different my husband and I.  I love my daughter more than anything else in the world, and would give up everything for her.  I am overjoyed and excited to have this second PLANNED baby next year.  My life has done a complete flip upside down when I became a mother.  I loved the change, the new role, the responsiblity.  My husbands life hasn't changed at all.. except for the fact that he now has the cutest kid ever calling him Daddy...

Anyway.. enough of the introductions.  Who I am and where my feelings come from is to much to explain in one post.  Stick around.  I'll bring in all the details one post at a time. 

I know I will write things, and experiences that some of you are living, and think no one else is going through it.  I hope that airing my dirty laundry here, will do two things.
First:  Give me a venue to scream, shout and pour out my feelings.. both happy and sad and
Second:  to let you know that you are not alone.  I am secretly unhappily married too.

Just Me.